Insert wit here....

So I did resolve to do this Thang once a week. If not directly to y'all, I did promise myself. And its not like I haven't done stuff this week, its just that I didn't feel it was share worthy. So, my humble apologies for the lack of quality inherent in this week's post. I'd like to say they will get better but I'm not one for making promises I have no control over keeping.

I did make it out to Sydney Festival Opening night this week. Admittedly, I was there mostly for social reasons but I did catch a couple interesting shows. Most notably these guys (since beginning to write this, I have now discovered that "these guys" is actually a "this thing". Look at us! Learning together!) Now everyone loves a swing band but this was more of an experience. I didn't even see the show in its home venue but even on its Festival First Night outdoor stage it smacked of campness! The highlight was the most fabulous of drag queens crooning a swing version of Gaga's Born This Way, while same-sex dance partners lindy-hopped their way around the stage. I tried to find a little video snippet of this to share with you poppets, but alas. I did, however, find this(!) little original arrangement by the Sirens Big Band. No queen needed for this one, although a Fat Controller wouldn't have gone astray.

This week, I also, went and got myself employed. Hurrah, money! Now, I do resent spending money on meaningless jobs but I did get myself work shoes last night. Take care of your feet, my little Squirrels. I had planned to be all adult about it and get myself grown-up looking boots. In the end, however (and to no one's surprise), I ended up finding Le Coq Sportif black leather kicks. Best of both worlds?

Also this week, I have watched the entire oeuvre of The Mighty Boosh. Consequently, this has been on rotation in my brain: If you don't have the patience for the  entire 11 minutes of Old Greg wonderment you are no friend of mine jump to 5:40 for the catchy tune-ness.

And occasionally this:

OMG we're back again...

So it seems my New Year's Resolution for 2012 is to do this thing again because you all seemed to enjoy it so much; and by you, I of course mean, my Mum. To be honest I seemed to enjoy it too. I am feeling nostalgic for sharing my silly little adventures with an anonymous world of people that have too much spare time on their hands. Looking at the time stamp on  my last post, I think this may have been my unspoken 2011 resolution as well but this time Will. Be. Different. This shiz is going to happen in a big, regimented and regular fashion. Feel free to try hold me to that.

To kick the year off I need to tell you all about my Father's Kingdom; or "how Dad is throwing away our inheritance" as my Brother refers to it.
Some time while I was away, my Dad bought himself a caravan park. Then, because of his dislike of about 92% of the population, he made sure it was in the middle of "bum-fuck nowhere" (once again, my brother's turn of phrase). The property is in a tiny place called Trangie  (pronounced Trang-ee not Tran-Gee or Tran-ee) that is about 70 clicks outside of Dubbo. I can hear the buzz of brain bulbs lighting up in all the Australian's reading but for those of you not familiar with the area, Trangie is to Dubbo what Viking is to Edmonton, only much hotter and with kangaroos instead of coyotes.
My travelling companions for the six hour drive, west of Sydney were my brother, his special lady and their fur baby Boo.

Boo, ecstatic to be on the road.

Having already visited Trangie, they were ready to leave after the first 24 hours, except Boo who jumped straight back in the car as soon as he had relieved himself on the park's grass. I, however, was determined to enjoy this slice of true-blue Australia. After all, what's so bad about having nothing to do but sit in the sun doing sweet fuck-all with a beer in your hand?

My Dad, for one, could not be happier with his little slice of heaven (hell?). He spends the morning pottering around, giant dog in tow, mowing lawns or doing laundry. Then he has lunch. Then everyone falls asleep on the couch.

Dad and Boo, who has stolen Gus's couch

Hence, Gus is napping on the floor

Occasionally he has to go "rough someone up" for payment which involves whistle at Gus, his giant dog, to follow and dropping a few f-bombs until the culprits are so bewildered and confused by the tiny Swiss man n front of them, that they pay up right away.
Also the previous owners had a bidet installed. So there's that perk.  Here it is with a frog in it that hopped up the drain pipe.

During our time there, the Trangie horse races were on. Apparently, the busiest day of the year for park. Dad was ever vigilant so that no drunken rednecks snuck their equally drunken red neck friends in under the old man's nose. We even had to put the parks boom gate down (after first testing that it did actually work). While the park was supposedly full, it turned out to be a far less rambunctious day than we had hoped. Oh well, so much for bogan watching.

All in all it was quite the relaxing few days. Although we probably would have murdered each other if it had been for much longer. There is only so many rounds of Hearts a family can play, you know. Also we ran out of beer by the last night so who knows what could have happened if we pressed on.

So, here's to the new year, my little squirrels. May it be a rip-snorter for us all and may it include many adventures.... Otherwise this will get tired fast.

Can't Start a Fire Without a Spark....

I am being consumed by the fires of Derby..... And loving every second.

Last night was the most epic Christmas party I have ever been to, and I'm not just saying that because I was on the organising committee. Actually, the night before, while introducing the rest of the committee to Hendrick's gin, there was some anxiety as to whether everyone was going to enjoy the party as much as we were already pretty sure we would. Any nervousness we felt disappeared as we watched the full contact  portion of our silent auction. I, now, have a new gage for party awesomeness; The number of bruises counted the next day. If you are not slightly battered in the evenings events, you just weren't having as much fun as you should have been.

The Christmas party committee was never something I put my hand up for. I just figured I didn't really know how people like to party here. Canadians play games at wedding receptions and have "midnight lunch"(which, just quietly, is a little bit brilliant). Weird shit like that. It was all foreign to me as I felt most of the girls in the league were. I got involved after hearing that the party committee was looking at holding it at a hotel. Knowing that the hotel I work for would give me a discounted rate, I stepped forward to get some venue pricings.
Now, it is no secret that my work drives me a little nutty. This, however, is the one solid the hotel has done me. (of course, I can't tell said hotel that because I don't wish to give them the satisfaction.) If I did not work where I do, I would never have had the pleasure of spending the last month getting to know an incredibly smart, dedicated and hilariously funny group of women. Women that I now consider friends, in a town that has for much of my time here felt friendless.
I also feel some gratitude is owed the lady friend for breaking up with me. (This is fast becoming an Oscars acceptance speech. I should thank God and my Mum while I'm at it.) I am now free to invest in the relationships and activities in the city I'm living in. No more of this dreaming of being elsewhere (well, at least not for the moment) when I can enjoy what's right in front of me.... Don't expect me to stay in Edmo permanently though, because that's just crazy. It's effing minus twenty-two degrees right now!!

The party committee technically no longer exists, and while I'm sure we will all enjoy getting some small part of our lives back, I will miss the mammoth email threads that awaited me each day when I finished work. This is the only time I have ever been envious of a desk job. If you are in front of a computer all day you get to email people! I finally know what people with desk jobs do all day and it has nothing to do with what they are actually being paid for.
I'm sure, after some much needed sleep, we will get planning something else to fill this void but even if we don't, I know that my Edmonton is now filled with these wonderful people.

I Miss you Now, I Guess, Like I Should Have Missed You Then

Oh how I have missed you my, darling readers! I've missed writing for you about my crazy adventures, I've missed having, said crazy adventures and mostly, I've missed knowing you are out there.... Even though I know you haven't gone anywhere because my Mum emails me every couple of days and my other four readers I see on Facebook. But! Still!

I have been meaning to reboot this tired self of mine for months now. It was my New Year's Eve, though, spent at home watching Apocalypse Now Redux, that really brought home my current situation. I have been lonely and mostly cold (I'll get to that in a minute) and that blows. Oh the horror, the horror.

So let us kick this puppy off with a little getting to know you (and by you I, of course, mean me).
So much has changed since we were last here and yet its exactly the fucking same.

I am now living and breathing in Edmonton, Alberta. That's still in Canada, my little Squirrels. Edmonton feels a little like Wagga Wagga but less country and way colder. So far I have had the pleasure of -26 degrees Celsius and a whole big bunch of snow. I am going to promise you all, here and now, that I will not whinge about the cold. I may, however, whinge just ever so slightly about the Caribbean restaurant I live above. You see, they have the controls for my heating. They get stoned and tend to forget I exist and there for need to be not cold at night.

I am working here for a major hotel chain. It blows. I put up with it because they give me money. I am going to promise you all, here and now, that I will not whinge about the job. I may, however, find a new one.

The plus side of the job with the money and Edmonton being relatively cheap is that for the first time ever I have my own apartment. Caribbean restaurant not withstanding, I very much enjoy this. I enjoy being able mess shit up, all I want, and no one can say a damn thing about it!
My apartment is on Edmo's alternate strip, Whyte Ave. It wants to think it is King Street, Newtown, but as it has never seen King Street, Newtown, it succeeds in being about 10% as rad. Still, it has the hipsters from the nearby uni and independent stores, restaurants and bars all along it for ten blocks.

The other really rad thing Edmo has going for it is this! And by this, I of course mean an amazing bunch of girls that enjoy skating to the left and knocking each other down. The most awesome bit is that they let me do it with them (although, admittedly, I still have a ways to go on the knocking each other down bit).

In other news, the lady friend and I have very recently parted ways. That's about all I have to say about that for now.
It does mean, however, that Edmonton, being the means to an end it was, now needs a new end. And while I have a few ideas of my own, I would be ecstatic to hear your suggestions (and no, mum, coming home is not a valid suggestion at this time).

So here's to 2011!  May you be full of frivolous adventure. May you be full of crazy characters. May you not blow. Regardless, of you 2011, I promise to blog you with my usual irreverence for the amusement of whoever cares to read. Please care to read.

One way or another, I'm going to find you...

I have recently been introduced to this secretly awesome underground nerd-burgery thing. I'm not even sure if I should say, it might be like Fight Club and i may get dead.... Probs not.
It's called Geocaching and it goes something a little like this.

Imagine the Easter Bunny was real, but instead of a bunny it was thousands of strangers all over the world, and instead of hiding chocolate eggs - because lets be honest, what was a bunny doing with eggs or chocolate in the first place? - it's containers of various sizes that hold no more value than the personal satifaction of finding them. Add in a bit of gps gadgetry and cryptic clues and thats geocaching.

These thing are everywhere, literally. You know that tiny hole of a town you live in? There is probs one there. That park you used to play in as a kid or the car park you visit every week to do your shopping? Bet there's one there too.

These pictures would totally make sense if you were a geo-nerd*

The Big Ev is on the hunt. Current tally: 9 found.


*Not an actual acceptable term for  a Geocacher 

Wouldn't it be nice if the world was LEGO....

As a child, LEGO was one of my favorite toys. Sure I had Barbies but it was LEGO that I kept returning to. My Barbie narratives revolved largely around getting married to one of my Brother's He-Men figures (I never did get an actual Ken doll. Read into that what you will.) Even in the case of my favorite Barbie, the independent and professional Dr. Barbie, she still went and got herself married to this guy, time and time again.
With LEGO though, my avatar was a scientist, a detective, she built her own house, albeit without walls, and all without the help of a cowboy or a spaceman, sometimes she was even the spaceman too.

So given this admiration for the wonderful and empowering imaginative substance that is LEGO, you can understand my excitement when I was invited to go to LEGOLAND in Carlsbad, California.

This place is big, but as we were there with children we didn't get to all the rides. Having said that, the roller-coaster-loving four year old went on more rides then any of us, while the seven year old was happily occupied in a giant room of Xbox.
What most excited me, however, was the miniatures, and you know how I love me a miniature.
Look its a tiny LEGO Hollywood Bowl;

   
and a tiny LEGO Guggenhiem;

and a tiny LEGO Sydney Opera House;

and a tiny LEGO chick getting pulled over by the Po-po.

A-Mazing.

But it wasn't all tiny LEGO things. There were GIANT LEGO thing too.
Look, he's Giant LEGO Einstein;

and Giant LEGO dancing giraffes;

and a creepy italian man with a camel;

Look here, I made a car!

I remember going to LEGO exhibitions as a kid somewhere in Sydney when the city was still a magical and geographically confusing place. The exhibitions consisted of rooms and rooms of entirely LEGO tableaus. Then we got to ride the monorail. Weeeeeeeeeeeee. Thanks for that, Mum.

To cap off a lovely rainy day at LEGOLAND I found the most awesomely cool bit of LEGO merch ever invented. "Cooler than LEGO man ice-cube trays?" I hear you say. Yes, kids. Oh yes.

My new LEGO Mp3 Player

Get up, a get, get, down...

Last night I had my first skunk encounter. I stumbled across it in some ones front yard, mere blocks from my house. It was very exciting until it started to puff itself up and I had to run away.

Amidst all the bread and cold, I also found time yesterday to go to the Vancouver Police Museum. The place was deserted allowing me to run slightly amuck although I did get yelled at for trying to open the "morgue" body draws. I can not help being naturally curious and their warning signs were posted above my head. Who looks up these days? That's so 1998.

I clearly have forgotten how to express myself through proper sentences so today you shall be treated to a photo blog of sorts.

Firstly, This is creepy:

Secondly,

Things I have Learned About the Vancouver Police Force.

The Vancouver Police have Robots. Robots for Justice!

Canadian Police Officers have blue sclera, poorly illustrated by this photo. Trust me, the whites of his eyes are a lovely baby blue.

Vancouver Police Officers are bandits for the human pyramid.

Sometimes they like getting stoned

So do their Ponies.

At such times, the ponies get the munchies for small children.

Sometimes, dogs find them tiresome...

...except for this one,

who was trying really hard to be selected for the Dog Squad.

Poor puppy didn't quite make the team.

Owls are the scourge of the criminal underworld.

Next,

 Quaint Curiosities from the Vancouver Police Museum

The Coroners Candy Cane of Death.

Each layer of pills has caused a death.

Home Made Weaponry

The Mace has a certain rustic charm but why, if you had a hand gun

would you pull it apart to turn it into a knife. Silly Criminals.

A Hand Smeered with BBQ Sauce.

The tempting Morgue Drawers that got me into trouble



The contents of the body bag.
(It was already unzipped, I just peered inside)

Clearly realism wasn't important to this particular exhibit

and yet, they did attempt to give the "body" a cause of death,
albeit a fairly poor one.

And lastly, there is this:

There is so many things I could say about this amazing image that I'm lost for words. If I had more than three readers this would, indeed, be a caption contest image. There are just so many question I have about this one.

I feel I should point out that I have no issues with the Canadian Police Force. I am sure they are doing a bang-up job. It seems clear, however, that the curator of this Museum has a sense of humour as I hope the Police Force does as well.


Also,  giant beaver: